i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
