My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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