I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
