After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
