i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
