Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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