The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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