If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
