Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
