so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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