Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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