stop calling my apartment porn island.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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