i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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