Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
