My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
