i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
