im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
