Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
