How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize