You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
