Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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