I could have mohawked her pubes.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
