You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
