They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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