Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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