Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
