My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
