sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
