I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
