You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize