You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
