Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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