Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
