Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
