he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
