Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
