I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize