I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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