Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize