I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The Olympian is in my bed
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
