he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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