My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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