New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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