I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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