I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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