Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
