I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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