apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
only you would photoshop your dick
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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