the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Congratulations! We have a period
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