I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
