his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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