I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So. Much. Porn.
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