I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
