Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize