You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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