I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
There was a lot of him and a little penis
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
