A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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