I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
