Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
