This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
