Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
