i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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