Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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