I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
