i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
birth control should be required to get into college
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
