I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
