My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Randomize
